Rewind with me to 2003. I was a missionary in the Carlsbad, California mission, currently serving in Fallbrook. I was spending some time in "personal study" when I came across a conference talk that changed my mission. It talked about consecration and giving your whole self to the Lord. Even all these years later, I remember so vividly reading the line, "So many of us cling tenaciously to a particular part, even treating our obsessions like possessions. Thus, whatever else we may have already given, the last portion is the hardest to yield."
It rang so true. Oprah would call it my "Aha moment." Here I am, a full-time missionary. I've sacrificed and given so much of my self just to be there. I work 7 days a week following the rigorous schedule of an LDS missionary. I love the Lord and I love his teachings. Who would call this anything less than total consecration? But I knew this talk was speaking directly to ME! I was still withholding a portion of my inner self, and I knew exactly in what way. But why was I holding back? I remember thinking "I won't have anything left if I give it all!" Matthew 16: 25-26 puts this silly fear to rest, "...whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"
I decided that it was time to let go of my grip and do things the Lord's way.
It was the best day of my entire mission. I felt the Lord's guiding promptings more strongly than I ever had. I knew we had done some good!
Anyhow, I have needed that talk again and again to help me recommit and let go of those silly things I hold back--BUT COULDN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE! I was positive that it was Elder Robert D. Hales, but had no idea which issue of the Ensign. So I searched lds.org high and low. Year after year. All kinds of different search words and phrases. Gone.
I recently attended our Stake Conference. Someone from the Washington D.C. Temple Presidency was speaking, and quoted Elder Maxwell from a conference talk he gave in 2002, "So many of us cling tenaciously..." All these years I had been searching Elder Hales!!! I had to go up after the meeting and express my gratitude for answering my question of almost 10 years.
Today, I found it. I printed it. Reread it. Highlighted it.
It's still just as good as it was in 2003.
There's just one more part I want to share. He says, "Frankly, it is our prospective selves we betray by holding back whatever the 'part.' No need therefore to ask, 'Lord, is it I?' (Matt. 26:22). Rather, let us inquire about our individual stumbling blocks, 'Lord, is it this?' We may have known the answer for a long time..."
I'm feeling like I need to ask that very question, "Lord, is it this?" I will have a pen and paper ready because I think my list will be long. Some obvious and some not so obvious. All I know is that life invariably "gets good" after doing so.
4 comments:
I've totally had that "I can't find that one talk" experience too, it's amazing how the Lord cares about the minute details!
I'm going to have to look into that talk.
What a relief to finally know after so long!
You're so cute Stacy, what a great message! Thanks for sharing :)
k- So I have this book (LDS author) that I had to read in college and it totally talked about this same thing- the holding back and not being able to give up everything. She referred to it as the "box that you keep hidden under your bed"- the stuff that's too important to you. You would love it! I had to read it a couple times because it was so good. I'll have to go check out the talk you finally found. Yay!!
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